Sunday, 28 September 2008

And now... the start is near...

I am going through a crisis. I have not run for a long time and I know that I am right back to ground zero... unfit, fat, unmotivated. I did swim a couple of weeks ago and really enjoyed it.. 50 lengths, alternating between front crawl and breast stroke.

I then, 2 days later, developed bursitis( a painful inflammation of the shoulder bursa ) Whether this had anything to do with the swimming I'll never know. Still, I have spent the last 2 weeks feeling sorry for myself, in pain and unable to dress by myself, never mind go for a run/ walk/ swim.

Part of me is furious that I am doing no exercise. Part of me is enjoying the laziness of being able to read, write, watch tv, go shopping. Part of me is still, despite doing the marathon last year, a little fat girl who is convinced that she is useless and will never be good at running or any sport.

I know that the results of the 2009 Flora London Marathon ballot are out very soon and if.... if I am in... that spells 6 months of incredible work. 4 times a week, running through rain, hail snow and darkness. If I am in I will do it. If I am not ? I don't know what I'll do. Part of me sooooo wants to be in - to stop this relentless eating and sloth. But I am lacking in self confidence so much. Its ridiculous that at the age of 44 I am still bothered by all this rubbish.

Why can I not just get on and enjoy ?? Nobody expects me to be Kelly Holmes... they just appreciate the hard work I have put in and the money raised for charity. But I am embarrassed by being a short fat housewife, plodding along the pavements. I thought that doing the marathon would rid me of my fears, but it has not.

I need a good kick up the proverbial.

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